Notebook for
How to Not Die Alone The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
Introduction
Highlight (yellow) - Page 1
We’re not born knowing how to choose the right partner.
Highlight (yellow) - Page 1
Intentional Love asks you to view your love life as a series of choices rather than accidents.
Highlight (yellow) - Page 2
We’re irrational. We often make decisions that are not in our own best interest.
Highlight (yellow) - Page 2
No matter how often and or how earnestly we set goals, we get in our own way.
Highlight (yellow) - Page 2
was struggling with one of life’s most essential and common questions— how do we find and sustain love?
Highlight (yellow) - Page 4
Behavioral science is the missing piece that can help people change their behavior, break bad patterns, and find lasting love.
Highlight (yellow) - Page 4
I’m helping you overcome your blind spots that are holding you back from finding love.
Highlight (yellow) - Page 4
But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to action.
Highlight (yellow) - Page 4
“manic pixie dream girls”
Highlight (yellow) - Page 4
Each chapter includes evidence- based frameworks and exercises to help you navigate important dating decisions.
Section 1: Getting Ready
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 9
explain the factors conspiring against modern daters.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 10
The dark side of all this freedom and endless choice is the crippling fear that we’ll screw up our lifelong pursuit of happiness.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 10
a decision that used to be made by our parents and our community— is Who should I pick as a romantic partner?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 11
while people crave choice, too many options can make us feel less happy and more doubtful of our decisions. They call this the paradox of choice.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 11
we’re crippled by analysis paralysis.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 11
It feels like if we can research all our choices, then we can select the right one.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 11
We can’t achieve complete certainty before any big relationship decision— and luckily, we don’t have to in order to be happy.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 12
Today our primary view into other people’s relationships is staged, curated,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 12
find this is especially true for men, who tend to have smaller social networks and fewer people with whom they can share their fears.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before > Page 14
all these options and opportunities can stop making us feel free and start making us feel overwhelmed.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 17
dating blind spots— patterns of behavior that hold them back from finding love,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 17
Each group struggles with unrealistic expectations— of themselves, of partners, and of romantic relationships.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 18
1
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 18
2
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 18
1
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 18
1
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 18
3
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 18
2
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 18
1
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
3
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
2
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
1
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
1
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
3
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
2
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
2
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
2
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
1
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
2
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
2
Note - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
7
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 19
The
Note - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 20
13
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 20
The
Note - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 20
12
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 20
The
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 20
You want to feel completely ready before you start a new project; the same goes for dating.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 21
Although they seem quite different, the Romanticizer, Maximizer, and Hesitater have one major thing in common: unrealistic expectations.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 2: The Three Dating Tendencies > Page 21
The Romanticizer The Maximizer The Hesitater
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 24
And once that Prince Charming or Cinderella appears, love will be effortless.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 24
soul mate mindset,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 24
work- it- out mindset,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 24
Romanticizers wait for love and won’t put effort in to create love.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 25
a woman who would dress up for every flight in case her “future husband” was on the same plane, but then refused to approach anyone lest she be perceived as trying too hard.)
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 25
People with soul mate beliefs tend to have a very specific vision of how their partner will
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 25
who doesn’t match that image, they won’t give that person a chance. They end up missing out on great potential matches.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 25
“In all my relationships, I end up thinking, Wait a minute. Why is this so hard?” she said. “Love is supposed to be effortless, right? This can’t possibly be ‘the one.’
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 25
work- it- out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 26
“Until the late eighteenth century, most societies around the world saw marriage as far too vital an economic and political institution to be left entirely to the free choice of the two individuals involved, especially if they were going to base their decision on something as unreasoning and transitory as love.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 26
how our ancestors used to view love:
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 27
Romanticism elevated love from “a kind of illness” to the new model for what we have come to expect from long- term relationships.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 27
Take a look at this list of Romantic ideals. How many of these do you relate to?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 28
The more these ideas resonated with you, the more you’ve been brainwashed by the principles of Romanticism.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 28
Not only are these messages about love and long- term relationships incorrect, they’re also harmful.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 30
No relationship is easy all the time. Even the healthiest, most rewarding marriages require effort.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 30
Rom- coms are Disney fairy tales for people old enough to buy their own movie tickets.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 31
The rom- com promotes the idea that love finds you and not the other way around.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 31
the problem with this idea is that it gives people permission to be overly passive in their love lives.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 31
Love takes work— from finding it to keeping it alive.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 31
You need to put in effort to find someone.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 31
The magic lies in the fact that two strangers come together and create a life. It’s not important where or how they met.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 32
At least Disney movies and rom- coms are up front about the fact that they’re fictional. Social media is in many ways a more dangerous culprit because its lies disguise themselves as real life. On social media, we see curated images of the perfect relationship— from the romantic beach walk captured at sunset to the kiss over a masterfully plated homemade dinner. By contrast, we find our own partnership lacking. We compare and despair.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 3: Disney Lied to Us > Page 34
We’re not the same person, so of course we’re going to fight. I know all relationships require work. And I’m choosing to invest in this one.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 37
Extensive research preceded every major— or minor— decision.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 37
He saw every decision as a problem to dissect, analyze, and fret over.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 37
Why risk making a merely okay decision when a perfect one was only a few hours of research away?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 38
He couldn’t stop himself from asking, Could I be 5 percent happier with someone else?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 38
Maximizers are a special type of perfectionist. They’re compelled to explore every possible option before they feel like they can choose. Yet this compulsion becomes daunting, and ultimately unfeasible, when they face a vast number of possibilities.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 38
Satisficers (a portmanteau of “satisfy” and “suffice”). They have standards, but they aren’t overly concerned that there might be something better out there. They know their criteria, and they hunt until they find the “good enough” option. It’s not that they settle; they’re simply fine making a decision once they’ve gathered some evidence and identified a satisfactory option.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 39
Satisficers may have very high standards and stop only after those standards have been met. The difference is, once they stop, they don’t worry about what else is out there. Maximizers, on the other hand, may find an option that meets their standards, but they feel compelled to explore all possibilities.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 39
this perfect person (and complete certainty) doesn’t exist. That’s why maximizing leads to anguish, delays in decision- making, and missed opportunities. In other words, it’s better to be a Satisficer.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 40
What if I’m so bored that I have an affair?
Note - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 40
Does boredom lead to affairs?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 40
Our life, once scripted by culture, religion, and family, is now a blank page. This grants us the freedom to express ourselves more fully. But we’re also burdened by the pressure to get it right.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 40
No wonder we can get trapped in analysis paralysis.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 41
this assumes there is a right answer for whom to marry. And there’s not.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 41
That’s because Maximizers constantly second- guess themselves. They suffer doubly: first in the agony leading up to the decision, and again every time they worry they’ve made the wrong one.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 42
what separates Maximizers and Satisficers is not the quality of their decisions, it’s how these decisions make them feel: “Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 42
the good news: We have an incredible tool working on our behalf to make us happy— our brain! Once we commit to something, our brain helps us rationalize why it was the right choice.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 42
Rationalization is our ability to convince ourselves we did the right thing.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 42
That’s the power of rationalization. Embrace it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 43
And that’s why I want you to work toward becoming a Satisficer. The best choice of all is choosing to be happy.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 44
the book Algorithms to Live By, authors Brian Christian and Tom Griffiths
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 4: Don’t Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great > Page 47
To feel uncomfortable with uncertainty. To make a decision based on a less than exhaustive search. Through this work, he’d changed the punctuation of his life: from the anxious question mark of a Maximizer to the confident period of a Satisficer.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 50
“I’ll be ready when things calm down at work.”
Note - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 50
Am i a hesitant person
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 50
We all want to improve along some dimension. But these aspirations can turn into excuses. And I get it— dating is scary. Fear paralyzes the Hesitaters: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. No wonder they avoid dating. You can’t fail at something you never attempt, right?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 51
people who wait until they are 100 percent ready underestimate what they’re missing out
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 51
let’s say you do reach this so- called state of perfection you’ve envisioned for yourself— by earning that promotion or shedding ten pounds— and then enter into a relationship. Will you worry that their love is conditional?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 52
When it comes to dating, Hesitaters wait until they have more confidence, more money, more whatever. But they’re neglecting the opportunity cost of not starting.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 52
The first opportunity cost is losing the chance to learn. You can’t figure out what you like (and what you don’t) if you don’t date different people.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 53
In college, she was studious and shy.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 53
“I didn’t know how to flirt,” she confessed. “I just never learned.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 53
She transformed herself into someone she liked— sophisticated, funny, passionate— but she still didn’t date. She put off trying because she already felt so behind.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 53
Hesitaters who delay getting out there also miss the opportunity to improve their dating skills.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 53
Dating is hard! And it takes time to master, just like anything else.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 53
At the gym, you get stronger by doing multiple reps. In dating, you get stronger by going on more dates.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 54
They’re practicing their storytelling abilities, their listening skills, and their French- kissing technique. They’re getting in their reps.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 54
The fact is, everyone has to make those rookie mistakes at first. You’re going to make them no matter when you start dating, so you might as well start making them now.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 54
You need to practice asking interesting questions, expressing yourself in a compelling way, and going in for a first kiss.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 54
The only way to get better at it is to actually date.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 54
the dreaded intention- action gap, when we intend to do something but don’t take the steps to make it happen.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 55
Researchers have studied the effects of the well- timed deadline— short while still doable.
Note - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 55
Even all these paid services give limited time discount
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 55
Hesitaters, it’s time to set a deadline for when you’re going to start dating. I suggest three weeks from now.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 55
the pre- dating work I’ve listed below—
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 55
Consider going to an improv class to learn how to listen carefully and play well with others.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 56
How much are you focusing inward (How am I coming across?) versus really listening and being curious (What is this person trying to communicate?)?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 57
In Chapter 9, you’ll find practical tips on asking to be set up.)
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 57
We all have different identities: daughter, friend, Beyoncé fan, runner, and so on. We act differently depending on which of those identities we lean into at any given moment.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 57
“I am looking for love. I am a dater.” Does this seem ridiculous, especially before you’ve been on a date? Of course! But you should do it anyway.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 59
The last time we spoke, he was elated. He finally had the one thing he never thought he’d find: a happy, healthy relationship.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 59
Start thinking of yourself as a dater, and the world will see you that way, too.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 59
setting specific goals not only makes you more likely to achieve your goals, it also leads to greater motivation, confidence, and self- efficacy.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 59
In general, I recommend that clients go on at least one date a week. You should proactively save time in your schedule for dates. One of my clients has a goal of going on a date every Wednesday after work. It’s consistent, breaks up the week, and gives her something to look forward to. Plus, if the date goes well, she can meet up with them again that weekend.
Note - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 59
It seems I should start asking girls out on dates
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 60
“Come on. It’s just one date. Good for you for getting out there. I bet you learned something, even if the date sucked.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 60
Learn to be your own cheerleader. Learn to use that compassionate tone with yourself.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 60
He’s currently single and dating.
Note - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 60
That's Good identity to promote
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 61
Keeping our ex around makes it harder, not easier, to move on.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 62
While we instinctively prefer reversible decisions to irreversible ones, this flexibility often make us less happy in the long run.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 62
we’re less committed to choices we think we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 62
once you commit to something, your brain starts the magical process of rationalization, convincing you that you made a good choice.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 5: Don’t Wait, Date > Page 63
“exposure to an ex- partner through Facebook may obstruct the process of healing.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 65
“All of the guys I like don’t like me back, but all of the guys who like me, I think are boring.”
Note - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 65
That I think i hveexperienced
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 66
worked as a dating coach and matchmaker.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 66
but as soon as someone says they like me, I immediately lose interest.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 66
It’s a popular framework that helps explain why we’re attracted to certain types of people, why past relationships haven’t worked out, and why we’re plagued by certain bad habits.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 67
It’s not easy, but the results can be powerful.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 68
Our relationship with our parents is one of only a number of factors that determine our adult attachment style.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 68
For example, they might think about their partner nonstop. Or they may dwell on their partner’s good qualities while undervaluing their own. This distortion leads to panic. And when they don’t hear back from their partners immediately, they worry they’re being abandoned. They can shake their anxiety only when they’re actively communicating with their partner.
Note - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
Thats so P like
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
They might call or text an excessive number of times,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
They don’t believe they can rely on others to meet their emotional needs, so they avoid getting too close to anyone.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
“deactivating strategies.”
Note - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
Did i just do these things with P
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
“I just need space” or “My job is really demanding so I can’t see you right now,” then you’ve experienced avoidantly attached behavior.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
They fantasize about how much happier they’d be if they were single or with someone else.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 69
This pattern is actually extremely common. It’s called the “anxious- avoidant loop.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 70
Avoidantly attached people are so good at pushing other people away, the only time they end up in a relationship is when the other person is especially persistent.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 70
People with a secure attachment style make ideal partners. They’re reliable and trustworthy. They tend to avoid drama and, if not, are able to defuse it when they see it coming. They’re flexible, forgiving, and good at communicating. They behave consistently. They create healthy boundaries. They’re comfortable with intimacy. People with secure- attachment styles end up reporting higher levels of relationship satisfaction than avoidant or anxious
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 70
The problem is that while securely attached people make up 50 percent of the general population, there are far fewer in the single population. That’s because secure people tend to get snatched up quickly.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 71
That’s why the dating pool is full of anxious and avoidant daters.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 71
You may be secure if you are comfortable with intimacy, spending time alone, and don’t often worry about the relationship.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 72
“He clearly likes me way too much. It’s pathetic.”
Note - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 72
Can I ever understand girls
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 72
That was the challenge I gave Vivian: Try to date secure partners. The ones who text when they say they will. Who let you know what’s on their mind. Who don’t play games and avoid or even de- escalate drama.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 72
you can work to become more secure yourself.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 72
It takes effort, but you can shift your attachment style.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 73
Learn to ask for space instead of disappearing into space. Or when you sense yourself focusing on your partner’s shortcomings and wanting to leave because of them, try a different technique: Practice looking for the positive qualities instead. Remember that no one is perfect, and if you leave, the next person you meet won’t be perfect, either.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 6: Learn Your Attachment Style > Page 73
There are so many unconscious reasons we are the way we are, and mining the past may bring up unexpected and difficult questions.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 75
“decompression”— the experience of adjusting back to real life after Burning Man.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 76
These are all moments when we fall prey to the present bias, an error in judgment that causes us to place a disproportionately high value on the here and now and an inappropriately low value on the future.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 77
There are many people with whom you can share a tryst but far fewer with whom you can build a life. When you’re thinking about who to marry, she says, don’t ask yourself: What would a love story with this person look like? Instead, ask: Can I make a life with this person? That’s the fundamental distinction.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 77
When you’re a teen, you’re thinking about whom you want to smooch, not who will make a good coparent.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 78
To shift toward pursuing the Life Partner, you must learn to recognize the present bias and deliberately work against it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 78
how many of my friends and clients were struggling on the apps.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 79
can blame a cognitive error called the focusing illusion— our tendency to overestimate the importance of certain factors when anticipating outcomes, like our future happiness.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 80
Behavioral economists Daniel Kahneman and David Schkade explored this phenomenon.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 80
“Nothing in life is as important as you think it is while you are thinking about it.” Merely thinking about something accentuates the differences.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 81
The same is true of looks, money, and more. These things make a difference, just much less than we tend to think.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 81
In fact, additional research suggests that the extent to which you can derive happiness from money in the first place depends on the wealth of those around you. In other words, it’s not really the size of your house that matters. It’s the size of your house in comparison to the size of your neighbors’ houses.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 82
No matter how wonderful something is, the novelty eventually wears off, and we stop paying much attention to it. And once we stop paying attention to it, it doesn’t bring us the same level of joy, or misery, that it did when we were focused on it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 82
It’s no secret that looks make a difference in many realms of life. Attractive people tend to earn higher salaries and beat their less attractive opponents in political races.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 83
What’s more, focusing on attractiveness to the exclusion of other traits ignores the fact that lust inevitably fades over time (and remember, we’re going for long- term success here).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 83
He found that over the course of seven years, “lust” (sexual desire) for a partner declined twice as fast as “liking” (friendship characterized by loyalty and kindness).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 83
Lust is incredibly intense in the beginning and then fades.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 83
Fisher found that cocaine and falling in love light up the same regions of the brain.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 84
And if it’s good sex you’re after, there’s no guarantee someone who is attractive will even be good in bed.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 84
A big part of our sex drive is associated with novelty. So no matter how hot your partner is, it’s likely that your sexual interest in them will decrease over time, simply because they are no longer new to you. To paraphrase some Internet wisdom: “For every hot person, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 84
Pay attention to whether or not you’re attracted to someone and focus less on how society would evaluate that person’s looks.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 85
The older we get, the more set in our ways we are, and the more we crave someone who will easily fit into our lives.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 85
“There is no correlation between how satisfied or how happy you are with a relationship and how similar your personalities are.” In other words, we make our potential pool of partners smaller by mistakenly eliminating people who are not similar enough to us.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 86
Key tip for your dating search Find someone who complements you, not your personality twin.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 86
if we reproduced with them, we’d pass on two very different sets of genes— making our offspring more robust and more likely to survive.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 88
Yet, because of their work, they also understood that couples do not need to share hobbies to create a successful long- term relationship. And they’ve been happily married for more than thirty years.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 88
A good relationship has space for different people with different hobbies.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 88
Key tip for your dating search Don’t worry about finding someone with the same hobbies. It’s fine to enjoy different activities as long as you give each other the space and freedom to explore those hobbies on your own.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 88
Modern couples often assume they can get all of their needs met by their romantic partner. They expect this one person to wear many hats— in fact, almost all of the hats; hats that had been dispersed among our social network before we were married.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 89
They found that having multiple people you can turn to for emotional needs— rather than just one or two— leads to an increase in your overall well- being. For example, you might talk to your roommate when you’re angry and depend on your sister when you’re sad.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 89
Remember, just because they don’t share all your interests doesn’t make them a bad partner!
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 90
(One reason is that these qualities can be hard to measure. They may be discernible only after spending time with someone. This also explains why dating apps focus on the easier- to- measure, matter- less- than- you- think traits,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 90
“Kind partners are awesome. They’re generous, they’re empathic, and they want to be supportive of you.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 91
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 92
People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve their intelligence and skills. They love to learn. They’re motivated by challenges and see failure as a sign that they need to stretch their abilities.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 92
You want to align yourself with someone who has a growth mindset because when problems arise, which they inevitably will, you’ll want a partner who will rise to the occasion, not throw up their hands in defeat.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 93
How they respond to someone else’s accomplishments
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 94
You must understand what qualities they bring out in you, because this is who you’ll be whenever you’re with them.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 94
Unfortunately, whenever they were together, he made her feel small. He’d ask her why she chose a certain recipe that was clearly above her cooking skill level. Or he’d make fun of the framed Picasso posters that hung on her wall.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 94
It didn’t matter what he looked like on paper. In person, he made her feel bad about herself. She refused to choose a lifetime of self- doubt and ended things with him.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 94
She relies on him in a way that makes him feel important and capable.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 94
If you lacked relationship role models who demonstrated how to fight and how to make up, don’t fret. You can learn to fight well.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 95
Too much space and resentment had grown between them, and they decided to end their five- year relationship.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 95
“When choosing a long- term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 97
It’s critical to stress- test your relationship.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 98
I was freezing, in a short leather skirt with a silk tank top tucked in (I’d chosen this outfit hoping to score an invite, and without considering San Francisco’s notoriously cold summer nights).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 99
As much as I appreciated Nadia’s help, I was still obsessing over Brian. Even in that moment, I wondered where he was and what (or whom) he was thinking about.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 99
When I reevaluated Scott through the new lens of what mattered, I realized those initial surface- level preferences were distractions.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 7: Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date > Page 100
There wasn’t that voice in the back of my head wondering, Does he like me? because I knew he did.
Section 2: Getting Out There
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 105
And I believed I could accurately evaluate someone based on a few photos.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 106
They’re dating wrong. It’s not their fault, and it’s not yours. We can often blame it on the apps.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 106
apps create many thriving relationships, they can also perpetuate harmful cognitive biases among their users.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 106
app makers have a subtle but astonishing amount of power over our love lives. They are designing the environment in which we make decisions about dating. And, by extension, they deeply influence the decisions we make.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 108
I’ll teach you how to make the apps work for you so that you can take advantage of digital dating while avoiding possible pitfalls.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 109
Our brains focus on what’s measurable and easily comparable. Apps display superficial traits, making us value these qualities even more.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 109
dating apps are limited by the information they can reliably capture and catalog: height, age, college, job, and how good someone
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 109
“Human beings adjust behavior based on the metrics they’re held against. Anything you measure will impel a person to optimize his score on that metric. What you measure is what you’ll get. Period.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 109
While people have always prized certain superficial traits, the apps make us think they’re even more important simply by measuring, presenting, and emphasizing them.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 110
The easier it is to compare certain traits, the more important those traits seem.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 110
But as we just learned, the more a quality can be compared, the more important that trait seems.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 111
Instead, the quality that men cared about most when evaluating attractiveness was body mass index (BMI).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 111
We have relatively little experience, especially where it counts for figuring out compatibility in long- term relationships. Yet we think we are experts in what will make us happy.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 111
Most of us have no idea what kind of partner will fulfill us long term.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 112
If you’re looking for a partner in the physical world— at a book club, a pottery class, your friend’s birthday party— you meet people who aren’t your so- called type. You could develop a flirtation, and then a relationship, with one of them.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 113
This is because of something called the status quo bias— our tendency to leave things as they are, to not rock the boat. That’s why businesses with subscription- service models tend to be lucrative.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 114
behavioral economists, including Michael Norton and Dan Ariely, explained in a research paper that
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 114
We cannot be understood by comparing and contrasting our parts. Yet dating apps have turned living, breathing, three- dimensional people into two- dimensional, searchable goods. They’ve given us the false belief that we can break people down into their parts and compare them to find the best
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 115
Only by spending time with someone can you appreciate that person for the “experiential good” they are.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 115
they can also make it harder to choose whom to go out with. Our brains aren’t set up to select a partner from so many options.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 115
We assume that more choice will make us happier, but that’s often not the case. In fact, too many options make us less happy, in part because of choice overload.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 116
In dating, we may feel so overwhelmed by the options that we decide not to go on any dates at all. Even if we do, it can feel impossible to know whom to date seriously.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 116
having so many options to choose from makes us less satisfied with what we choose.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 116
The more options you have to choose from, the more chances you have to feel regret about your selection. This can even lead to feelings of depression.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 116
point of a dating app is to go out on an actual date, not to spend all of your evenings swiping.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 117
I call this error in judgment the Monet Effect. When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically. People seem way more desirable than they actually are. It’s only later, when they transform into real people standing in front of us, that we see the flaws.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 117
Looking at a dating app profile is the equivalent of seeing someone from very far away. All you get are a few carefully selected photos and some basic information.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 117
You give up on the date you’re on and start fantasizing about the next person on your screen, who seems perfect because of the Monet Effect.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 117
This creates a grass- is- always- greener reaction: You always think the next thing will be better than what you have. You’re dooming yourself to an endless cycle of unrealized connections.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 119
She was assuming she knew everything she needed to know based on one fact about this person’s life. What you do isn’t who you are. And people with the same job can be completely different.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 119
Just because you know where people have been or where they are now doesn’t mean you know where they’re going.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 119
Look for reasons to say yes. It’s tempting to approach dating apps as an exercise in discovering what’s wrong with people or finding a reason to say no. Instead, try to be less judgmental.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 120
You don’t know these people. You’re seeing a tiny sliver of who they are— a few photos and some basic information.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 120
As you evaluate potential matches, look for what’s attractive about someone rather than what turns you off.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 120
Don’t presume you know exactly what people meant when they answered the same vague questions you struggled with. Why not meet them and explore these topics in person?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 120
on dates with people whom you don’t necessarily think are a fit. That’s the only way you can figure out what you actually like rather than assuming you already know.
Note - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 120
Yeah that is a nice way to think about it
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 121
Look, I’m not saying you should swipe yes on almost everyone. Rather, be open to the fact that someone may be far more interesting in person than a profile suggests.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 121
don’t want you going on tons of dates at the same time. That will only make the Monet Effect worse.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 122
“You swipe, you might get a match, you might not. And then you’re just, like, excited to play the game.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 122
once went on 8.5 first dates in a week.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 122
Try to really get to know them. If expanding your settings means a bigger menu, then dating fewer people at a time means savoring each dish.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 122
If you go overboard and chat with too many people at once, or constantly fill in your calendar with first dates, you are likely to end up like the person who sampled from the table with twenty- four jams.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 122
evidence- based tips for getting more matches and going on better dates.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 123
Similarly, men see a boost in their chances of getting a like by standing alone, smiling without teeth, and looking straight toward the camera.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 124
Black- and- white photos kill. Despite making up only 3 percent of posted photos, they see a 106 percent boost in likes. Consider going monochrome for your next pic.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 124
Or run your own experiment on the apps: Swap out different photos to see which ones lead to the most matches.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 125
While it seems obvious, a good profile should represent you, not an aspirational version of yourself. Being up front about who you are will help save you heartache down the road,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 125
The more specific you are, the more opportunities you give potential matches to connect by commenting on that quirk.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 126
Use the space to attract people who share your actual hobbies, not your hobby of complaining. Focus on what brings you joy, not what you hate or are trying to avoid.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 126
The goal of an opening line is to get a conversation going so that you can meet up with someone in person.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 126
for goodness’ sake, send a message when you match with someone! Why are you swiping if you’re not going to follow up?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 126
You have a life to live. Don’t stare at your screen all hours of the day and night. Even if you have a super- busy day, try to set aside fifteen minutes to respond to messages, maybe during your commute or when you’re procrastinating at work. You want to keep the momentum going.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 127
I’ve seen over and over the negative consequences of messaging too much before a date.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 8: You Think You Know What You Want, but You’re Wrong > Page 127
Great text chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll vibe in person. Wouldn’t you rather figure that out sooner?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 131
After years of swiping, my client Alicia, a twenty- eight- year- old nursing- school student, was still struggling to find her partner. Thousands of swipes had turned into very few first dates and almost no second ones.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 132
“I once asked a client if he would approach a stranger in public. He said, ‘And risk being rejected or accused of being creepy? No way.’
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 137
I love hearing stories about people who meet while volunteering. It’s a great way to find people who are kind, which you now know is an underrated but supremely important quality in a partner.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 138
You’ll look more approachable, because it’s easier to go up to someone who’s alone than to wedge yourself into a group conversation.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 138
“You only get one chance to make a first impression.” Wear something that makes you feel confident. Don’t forget to flirt. Make eye contact with the people around you, smile, and then take your gaze elsewhere.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 138
Introduce yourself. Say something to the people nearby about what’s happening around you. You could comment on a painting, the band, their earrings or shoes, anything! The point is to practice meeting new people, even if you’re not attracted to them. That way, when you meet someone you like, you’ll feel confident. (Get those reps in!)
Note - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 138
Bookshops of CS everymonth. Get those reps!
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 138
“But how do I know if the person I talk to is even single?” my clients always ask me. Well, you don’t!
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 139
Ladies, don’t worry about making the first move. Most men are thrilled to be approached by a woman, and if they’re turned off by displays of boldness and confidence, they’re not right for you anyway.
Note - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 139
Thts so sad
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 139
If you’re worried about navigating the line between “flirty” and “creepy,” stick with “friendly” and let the other person steer the conversation toward something more.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 139
Doesn’t matter whether you need a drink, or whether you have to go to the bathroom: Get in a line, any line. People in lines are inherently bored.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 140
Despite their hesitations, everyone I spoke to said they wanted to help. Take advantage of this instinct. Your friends are great resources because they both know you well and know people you don’t.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 140
If someone goes to the effort of trying to set you up on a date, say yes!
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 141
What do you have to lose? A night? Some cash? Just do it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 141
First, it showed me she realized how much finding your life partner was really worth. Second, while I liked this coworker (she’s fun, enthusiastic, warm, and caring), I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to think about setting her up with someone if not for the incentive.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 144
All the time, people tell me how they fell for a colleague they’d known for many months or a friend they’d been hanging out with for years.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 144
The thought of making a move on a friend probably fills you with anxiety. That anxiety is telling you to proceed with caution.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 144
“Have you ever considered if we could be more than friends?”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 145
They found that those who engaged with the stranger had the most positive experience on the train, and those who sat alone with their thoughts had the least positive experience.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 145
Our instinct to avoid conversations with strangers is wrong. We only think we want solitude. We underestimate how much joy social connection can bring.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 146
When I heard their “how we met” story, my initial thought was: This wouldn’t happen today, because they would’ve been wearing headphones. Let this be a reminder to leave your electronics in your pocket when you’re traveling through the world. Nothing screams, “Don’t talk to me!” more than a giant pair of over- the- ear headphones.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 9: Meet People IRL (In Real Life) > Page 146
Dating apps are still good for meeting a lot of people. You might even really like a few of those people! But don’t underestimate the fun of meeting people IRL.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 150
Jonathan was trying. He really was! He was busy, and yet he made the effort to date when and where he could. But there’s more to dating than simply making time for it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 150
The environment in which we make our choices matters.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 150
When we go on dates, we’re impacted by more than just the physical location of where we meet. The environment of a date is also when we meet, what we do, and the mindset we bring to it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 151
Many of my clients, desperate to find love but also busy with other commitments, have managed to drain all the flirtation and fun out of the experience of dating. Instead, they tend to engage in what I call evaluative dating
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 151
To dating with an attitude of curiosity. To allowing yourself to be surprised.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 152
“Dating isn’t fun anymore. It feels like work.” Look, I get it, and in a way, dating is work. Dating well requires time and effort, and it’s not always enjoyable. It sucks to get rejected or find yourself let down yet again.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 152
But just because dating requires work doesn’t mean it has to mimic what you do at work. This is not a networking meeting or a job interview. You should not conduct yourself the same way you do at work.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 153
The point of the first date isn’t to decide if you want to marry someone or not. It’s to see if you’re curious about the person, if there’s something about them that makes you feel like you would enjoy spending more time together.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 154
It all has to do with the way these two groups of people interact with the world. Lucky people expect good things to happen. They are open to opportunities and recognize them when they appear.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 154
Their mindset became a self- fulfilling prophecy.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 154
focused on four things: listening to their intuition; expecting to be lucky; spotting chance opportunities; and rebounding more quickly when bad things happen.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 156
And try sitting next to— rather than across from— your date. Have you ever opened up to someone on a long drive? Or noticed that it feels easier to talk to a friend while walking side by side, when you’re not making direct eye contact?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 157
Why not suggest going for a walk? This will help the date feel less like a job interview, protect your brain from overloading, and promote connection.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 157
third object takes the pressure off. It makes awkward silence a bit less awkward.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 157
Third objects can include books, games, and even other people. I recommend going on dates where you can watch your companion interact with others.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 157
You can find a whole list of creative date ideas on my website (loganury.com).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 160
Surprisingly, those in the second condition valued the system more. Even though it produced results more slowly, they felt the program was working harder on their behalf. They valued the effort of the program over the speed.
Note - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 160
Could Music studio this experiment for better user ex
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 160
One great way to show your effort is to offer to plan the date, or to choose a place near the other person’s home or work.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 160
Message them something like: “Hey, what area do you live in? I can plan something near there.” During
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 161
then have him kiss away your tears, which transitioned to a full- on make- out, pressed up against your door?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 161
You probably had fun! And yet fun is rarely something we build into our dates.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 161
Playing games involves deceit and misdirection. It’s a waste of time, because your love interest will discover at some point who you really are, and then what? Play, on the other hand, involves being a present, honest version of yourself— just a little lighter.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 162
“Play is not a specific activity, it’s an approach to learning, an engaged, fun, curious way of discovering your world.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 162
Have fun. Be silly. Make a joke. Humor is a great tool to create a sense of play.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 162
(And if it’s oxytocin we’re after, laughing is a more socially appropriate activity on a first date than breast- feeding.)
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 162
Laughter also creates a dopamine hit, activating our brain’s pleasure centers. It reinforces our behavior and makes us want to go back for more. All good things for a first date: more bonding, less stress, and an improved chance of a second date.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 163
Despite all the reasons to go deep, many of us spend our dates in the shallow end of the pool.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 163
the viral New York Times Modern Love column titled “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This,”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 163
found that these particular questions help potential partners bond by building connection and promoting vulnerability.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 164
By skipping the getting- to- know- you small talk and diving straight into the type of conversation that friends (or lovers!) might have, you take a shortcut to intimacy.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 164
Remember, asking questions is only half the equation. You need to actually listen to the answers, too.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 165
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 165
Most of us listen in order to formulate our own responses, which puts the focus back on us. The goal is to understand rather than merely waiting for your turn to talk.
Note - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 165
In office I interact only
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 165
You can become a better conversationalist by learning to give support responses rather than shift responses.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 167
Despite all the evidence that phones create a barrier to connection, 89 percent of people admitted to taking out a phone during their last social interaction. Don’t do it!
Note - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 167
In office people do it all the time
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 167
He understands that the end of an experience matters.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 168
When assessing an experience, people judge it based largely on how they felt at the most intense moment and at the end. Their memory isn’t an average of their minute- by- minute experiences.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview > Page 168
Give the other person a meaningful compliment before you head your separate ways.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 172
Psychologists call this the mere exposure effect. Exposure breeds familiarity. We’re attracted to (and feel safe around) familiar things and people.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 172
The message is clear: The spark can grow. Sometimes it’s a tiny flame, gasping for breath. If you squelch the flame before it has time to breathe, you’ll never get to warm yourself by the fire of long- lasting love.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 173
As we get to know and share experiences with them, we discover their unique value— who they are on the inside. In the classroom study, the first time the students evaluated one another, their answers reflected mate value— basically how hot they found their peers— and most people found the same people hot.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 173
The importance of mate value disappears over time. What matters is how you feel about someone as you get to know them.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 173
This phenomenon occurs outside of the classroom, too. When we first meet someone, we form an initial impression, based mostly on appearance. But as we get to know the person more, they often grow on us, and we start to see them differently.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 173
That same lesson applies to sex, too. Good sex often doesn’t magically happen right away. As anyone who’s had a lousy one- night stand can tell you, it takes time to develop a rhythm and learn about someone else’s body and preferences (and your own!).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 173
Some people are just really good at making a lot of people feel a spark.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 174
Sometimes the presence of a spark is more an indication of how charming someone is— or how narcissistic— and less a sign of a shared connection.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 176
“The spark is neither necessary nor sufficient for long- term relationship happiness.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 176
I’ll help you decide how to identify a promising slow burn, why you should give that person a chance, and when to call it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 11: F**k the Spark > Page 176
She is shy, which comes across as aloof on early dates.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 180
dating version of the Golden Rule: Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 180
she explained that our brains have developed a negativity bias, an instinct to ruminate on what’s gone wrong.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 180
Fisher said that our brain evolved to vividly remember negative experiences so that we can avoid them in the future.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 180
we unconsciously fall prey to cognitive biases that make us bad judges of character.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 181
gratitude journals
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 182
Rather than focusing on someone’s negative traits, use your “imagination” to “search for what is desirable and good.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 183
Try switching into compassion mode the next time you find yourself in one of these situations, so you don’t mistakenly reject a wonderful potential match.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 185
You can design defaults to help you make better decisions. Why not set a default that you’ll go on the second date? Not only will this help you avoid the brain’s natural tendency to focus on the negative, it will also help you look for that slow- burn person instead of seeking the spark.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 187
The stakes here are pretty low. When you’re on a first date, you’re not looking to fill the position of life partner, you’re looking to decide whether or not you want a second date.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 188
Prioritize what actually matters long term. Do not let yourself get off track because of small distractions.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 189
You smoke and aren’t willing to quit, and the other person has serious asthma.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 191
Do you want to see this person again? If so, let them know!
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 191
You’ll inevitably reach a moment when you decide you don’t want to move forward with someone. What should you do? Ghost? NO! OF COURSE NOT.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 191
Here’s how I define ghosting: communication in which one party has the expectation of a response from the other person and doesn’t get it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 191
that a mutual opt- out, not ghosting.
Note - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 191
Tht hppened with mend kashish
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 192
People often ghost because they think they’re avoiding an awkward situation and protecting that person’s feelings.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 192
Besides those obvious reasons not to ghost, here’s another one: Ghosting makes “ghosters” feel worse than if they’d been up front with their feelings.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 192
Bem’s self- perception theory, this happens because we don’t have access to our inner thoughts and feelings. We look to our actions to tell us who we are.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 192
Volunteers consistently see higher levels of happiness and self- esteem than non- volunteers, because when they’re done, they look at their actions and think, I’m spending my time helping people. I must be pretty generous after all!
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 12: Go on the Second Date > Page 194
Hopefully, I’ve convinced you why you shouldn’t ghost.
Section 3: Getting Serious
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 200
All areas of life present decision points, not just eating cookies or popcorn. Relationships, in particular, are full of decision points. Many of them stress us out and keep us up at night. But I see decision points as gifts— opportunities to pause, take a breath, and reflect on what we’re doing.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 200
University of Denver found that individuals who tend to “slide” through relationship milestones feel less dedicated to their partners and engage in more extramarital affairs. These findings suggest sliding through decision points can put a relationship at risk.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 201
She’d deleted her apps and told her mom she had a boyfriend. But James had a different perspective: They were not exclusive until they’d explicitly had the talk.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 202
All the time, I see people making different assumptions about what’s going on in their love lives. They avoid bringing up the DTR because it feels awkward, or they’re scared they’ll ruin things.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 202
If someone doesn’t take you seriously as a potential partner, wouldn’t you rather know that sooner than later? In order to gain the insight you need to make the right choice for yourself, you must DTR.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 202
(Rushing to DTR is common among anxiously attached folks. Revisit
Note - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 202
Am i the anxious with these lame virls
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 202
One trick for tough talks is to start by announcing how awkward you feel. This alerts the person to the fact that you feel vulnerable, which helps elicit a more empathetic response.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 203
Are you hoping to complete the ultimate modern- day romantic ritual: deleting your dating apps?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 204
Welcome their words with compassion and curiosity to show your partner they’re free to tell you what’s on their mind, even if it’s not what you want to hear.
Note - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 204
That goes for everything
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 205
Researchers have a new theory. They now blame living together itself.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 13: Decide, Don’t Slide > Page 207
“Now we handle every decision like that,” Priya told me. “What’s the point of rushing if you’re not headed in the same direction?”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 212
Some tend to stick around in relationships that aren’t working. I call these people Hitchers. The other group consists of people who tend to leave relationships too soon, without giving them a chance to grow— Ditchers.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 212
She helped him figure out what he wanted to do next after he’d been laid off.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 213
He tended to leave before giving his partner a fair chance (which undoubtedly affected how he behaved in the relationship).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 214
when we estimate how something will feel in the future, we tend to focus on the initial impact. For example, you might imagine that lottery winners end up extremely happy, but it turns out that’s incorrect: As I mentioned earlier in the book, a year after they win, lottery winners are about as happy (or unhappy) as non– lottery winners.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 214
transition— going from being an average Joe to being a big winner. Now, that’s a huge change. But in reality, once you’re rich, you eventually adapt to your new circumstances, and sooner or later, the money doesn’t seem to hold as much intrigue.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 214
Research shows that becoming a paraplegic has a smaller impact on people’s long- term happiness than you might expect.)
Note - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 214
Ramkumar
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 214
they confuse falling in love with the state of being in love, and they expect the whole relationship to offer that initial excitement. But people adapt. Being in love is less intense than falling into it. Which, by the way, seems like a good thing! How could we get any work done with everyone walking around acting like the classic cartoon character Pepé Le Pew— smitten and speaking broken French?
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 214
Ditchers underestimate the opportunity cost of leaving, never learning how to be a good long- term partner.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 215
You’ll lack the experience of truly getting to know someone, of seeing the face of the person you love lit up by birthday candles or streaked with tears because of a parent’s illness.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 216
he’s no longer the person I want to share the details of my day with. We don’t have anything to talk about. He brings out my most impatient, bratty side.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 218
One woman said her boyfriend was her little black dress— something she felt sexy and confident in.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 219
Behavioral economist Amos Tversky used to go to the movies, and if he didn’t enjoy the first five minutes of the film, he’d leave. “They’ve already taken my money,” he explained. “Should I give them my time, too?”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 219
Tversky understood— and therefore tried to avoid— the sunk- cost fallacy. It’s the feeling that once you invest in something, you should see it through.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 219
The sunk- cost fallacy keeps Hitchers in relationships.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 219
Hitchers are also impacted by loss aversion. Behavioral economists Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman identified this phenomenon in a seminal paper. They explained that “losses loom larger than gains.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 220
We do what we can to avoid losses. For our clothes, that means holding on to old T- shirts that we’d never buy if we encountered them in a store today. In dating, that means holding on to a bad relationship.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 222
Imagine if you were fired before you were told your job was on the line. That would suck, wouldn’t it? That’s why a lot of companies have routine performance reviews. Regular check- ins give people an opportunity to improve.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 222
Instead of bailing, face the challenge of talking to your partner and explain the changes you’d like to see in the relationship.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 223
You may encounter a low when that initial infatuation fades. Our brain is on this drug of love for the first few years of a relationship. The next phase is more familiar, less intense.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 223
You can keep chasing the new- relationship high, but the dynamic always changes eventually.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 223
Don’t just focus on your partner’s flaws. Look at yourself, too. If there’s more you can do to make the relationship work,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 223
you’ve been bringing your best self to others (work and friends and family) and leaving your partner with the scraps, see what your relationship feels like when you invest in it first.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 224
But our friends and family can see things that we’re blind to. That’s because we’re infatuated with our partners during the first two to three years we’re together, which turns us into poor judges of our own relationships.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 225
Please don’t punish someone for giving honest, solicited feedback! And if they resist having the conversation, don’t force it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 14: Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching > Page 226
Focus on yourself first. We’re most able to love when we feel complete. The more confident and comfortable we feel about ourselves, the easier it is to give and share with others. If you can work on making yourself happy first, instead of expecting it to come from someone else, your relationships will be easier.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 231
When people don’t execute on their goals, it’s usually because they’re missing a plan.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 232
Motivation isn’t constant.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 232
“motivation waves”— our motivation ebbs and flows. During moments of peak motivation, we’re able to do really hard things we couldn’t have accomplished otherwise.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 233
treat him like a priority and he treats me like an option. He lets me down,
Note - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 233
Thts so me
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 233
I can’t keep pretending that I am okay being #5 on his priority list after his job, going to the gym, swimming, and riding his bike.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 233
Research from psychology professor Gail Matthews showed that participants who wrote down their goals, defined their action plan, and provided weekly progress updates to a friend were 33 percent more likely to achieve their goals than those who did not take those actions.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 234
It’s your right to break up with them, and it’s their right to have a strong emotional response to that action.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 236
narrative fallacy. Our brain tries to create a cause- and- effect story to explain the events we witness and experience, even when that story is false.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 237
Yes, pheromones are real, and yes, scientists have shown that people often prefer the pheromones of someone who’s the most genetically different from them, which is evolutionarily beneficial since it gives future offspring the most genetically diverse immune system and a greater chance at survival.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 237
She even had her gut bacteria tested!
Note - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 237
What does that mean
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 238
I’ve included a blank one in the Appendix. It’s useful for preparing for all types of tough conversations, not just breakups.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 240
Practice might not make perfect, but this pre- work will help you select the right words in the moment.
Note - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 240
That i what i need to do. Not dAy dream about it but practice consciously
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 240
Increase your chances of following through by setting up a social accountability system. With this technique, you ask others to hold you responsible to the goal you’ve set for yourself.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 240
“obligers.” We easily meet expectations set by others but struggle to uphold our own.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 240
If you involve a friend, you make this goal about committing to them, not just to yourself.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 240
If you want to take your accountability system to the next level, incorporate incentives.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 248
Don’t be the Nice Breakup Person. You’re not actually being nice. In many cases, your behavior is more about helping yourself than helping the other person.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 15: Make a Breakup Plan > Page 248
“They may see you as the devil for a while. Just live with that. I see a lot of people wanting always to be the nice person, even while doing something that’s going to be really difficult for the person.” Don’t be “nice” just to make yourself feel better.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 252
The doctors responded to how the outlooks were framed. The framing effect is our tendency to evaluate things differently based on how they’re presented—
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 252
The point is that, rather than viewing the experience as a devastating loss, you can see it as a gain, something empowering that will improve your life in the long run.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 253
breakups have been found to increase our cortisol (stress hormone) levels, which then suppress our immune system
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 254
we’re more resilient than we think.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 254
This too shall pass. What you’re feeling now is temporary.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 254
While you can’t wish away your pain, you can write your way to a less painful story. Remember, your brain is your friend, and it’s really quite good at helping you rationalize and get over things. It’s time to feed the beast!
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 258
breakups can cause a bit of an identity crisis, because so much of who we are is tied up in that relationship.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 258
Routine activities helped prevent people from staying home and binge- swiping through pictures of their ex or drowning themselves in barrels of macaroni and cheese (my medication of choice).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 259
If you’re okay with a little spirituality talk, I recommend the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, even if you don’t think of yourself as an artist. It’s full of inspiration and ideas for you to reconnect with yourself (and your inner creative spirit).
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 260
If you don’t feel as upset as you expected after a relationship ends, don’t be alarmed. You’re not a heartless demon.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 260
How do you know when you’re ready to start dating? The only way to know whether you’re ready to start dating is to go on an actual date.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 16: Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss > Page 261
going after the emotionally unavailable younger guys to prevent herself from getting into a real relationship
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 17: Before You Tie the Knot, Do This > Page 268
happiness and satisfaction of marriage has a tremendous impact on happiness, physical and mental health, life expectancy, wealth, and the well- being of children.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 17: Before You Tie the Knot, Do This > Page 268
Here’s how writer George Bernard Shaw put it in his play Getting Married: “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 17: Before You Tie the Knot, Do This > Page 269
It’s not just about waiting until you’ve been with the person for a longer period of time. It also might pay to get married when you’re a bit older.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 17: Before You Tie the Knot, Do This > Page 269
This optimistic assumption that you and your partner want the same thing makes sense, by the way. We’re led astray by the false- consensus effect— a tendency to assume that the majority of others agree with our own values, beliefs, and behaviors.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 17: Before You Tie the Knot, Do This > Page 270
In a relationship, we take it for granted that our partner sees the world the same way we do— and therefore wants the same things,
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 17: Before You Tie the Knot, Do This > Page 271
The goal here is to be as honest with yourself as possible. Giving yourself some distance— by imagining you’re helping a friend— should provide some perspective.
Note - Chapter 17: Before You Tie the Knot, Do This > Page 271
Thht could be the thing ht i need
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 280
“It is not the strongest of the species which survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 281
Most people believed they’d changed significantly in the previous decade, but they didn’t expect to change much in the next ten years. They’re wrong. Gilbert calls this the end- of- history illusion.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 281
we each think that “by and large the core of me, my identity, my values, my personality, my deepest preferences, are not going to change from here on out.” The truth is, we never stop growing and changing.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 282
bring romance into the twenty- first century by adopting the philosophy of Intentional Love.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 283
couples who take the time to talk through big decisions are happier than those who don’t.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 284
It asks questions about how much alone time you need, what your love languages are, what rituals you value in the relationship, and more.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 285
“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. Relationships are your story, write well, and edit often.”
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 285
All relationships have issues, and almost all of us feel awkward about bringing them up.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 285
Creating this ritual lets us address what’s going on before too much time passes and too much resentment has built up.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 285
If we put something on our calendar, and make it the default, we’re way more likely to actually do it.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 286
the hope is that when you reflect back on your life, you’ll see a series of decisions that you made thoughtfully, deliberately. Maybe you loved one person better, maybe you had three important relationships, or maybe you were single and had a life full of excitement.
Highlight (yellow) - Chapter 18: Intentional Love > Page 287
Either way, it was an adventure, not an accident. You designed your life, you held yourself accountable, you were honest with yourself about who you were and what you wanted, and most important, you course- corrected when you had to. You didn’t live someone else’s idea of life, you lived yours.