The truth is, writing is this: hard and boring and occasionally great but usually not.

Nora Ephron’s Heartburn

You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing. That is what I know. Writing the book is about writing the book.

what else are we going to do? Say no? Say no to an opportunity that may be slightly out of our comfort zone? Quiet our voice because we are worried it is not perfect?

they say “Yes please” because most people are rude and nice manners are the secret keys to the universe.

The accent is a really hard thing for me. It reminds me of my family and my childhood, but it’s one of the worst- sounding accents out there.

I hate how I look. I hate how my face looks my body looks I am too fat or too skinny or too tall or too wide or my legs are too stupid and my face is too smiley or my teeth are dumb and my nose is serious and my stomach is being so lame. Then we think, “I am so ungrateful.

We wore silk blouses and shoulder pads, neon earrings and jodhpur pants.

Is there a word for when you are young and pretending to have lived and loved a thousand lives?

But I cannot, in good faith, pretend I have fallen in love with how I look. The demon still visits me often.

Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.

Looking silly can be very powerful. People who are committing and taking risks become the king and queen of my prom.

Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works.

Trying to get pregnant is the most vulnerable thing in the world.

I made a lot of noise because I felt bad about hurting someone’s feelings and I didn’t want to get quiet and really figure out how I felt.

Shame is difficult. It’s a weapon and a signal. It can paralyze or motivate.

We want so badly to plead our case and tell our story. The bad news is that everybody has a story.

I like picking fair targets. I don’t like calling babies on websites ugly or comedy that relies on humiliation.

Too many people already fear, and are often disgusted or put off in other ways by disability and it saddened me to think of the impact the skit may have had in adding fuel to that fire.

Shame makes people abandon their children and drink themselves to death. It also keeps us from true happiness. An apology is a glorious release.

The strange thing is that the moment people start looking at you less is when you start being able to see through people more.

Gone are the days (hopefully) when you take everything personally and internalize everyone’s behavior.

The pressure of “What are you going to do?” makes everybody feel like they haven’t done anything yet.

Young and old need to relax in the moment and live where they are. Be Here Now, like the great book says.

Here’s what my ninety- year- old self tells me.

When people are nervous and put on the spot, they tend to show you who they really are.

I started improvising with people better than me and got better myself. I started to call myself an artist.

Being foolish was the smartest thing to do.

And then Keri’s mom, Ginny, got cancer. Suddenly the world was small and tight. Our parents could get sick and our pretend games felt a million miles

All of my practice chasing bad guys did not add up to much. Cancer was too scary and too real, and I wanted the whole thing to go away.

luxury afforded to those of us left untouched by trauma. Sometimes I would use these tragedy- porn shows to unlock deep feelings or cut through the numbness. I would read terrible stories to punish myself for my lucky life.

One evening, Will tried to gently point out that drinking a bottle of wine by myself while I watched Oprah on DVR probably wasn’t the best way to feel better.

Let’s end by pointing out all the positive ways you can scare yourself and feel alive. You can tell someone you love them first.

You can jump out of an airplane or spend Christmas Day all by your lonesome. You can help people who need help and fight real bad guys.

Adventure and danger can be good for your heart and soul. Violence and desperation are brutal things to search out. Why search out the horror? It’s around us in real ways every day.

9. A stay- at- home mother needs a nanny, can afford one, and refuses to hire one, and in doing so denies her kids another caring and nurturing adult and denies herself some much- needed personal time and self- care.

Don’t have sex with people you don’t want to have sex with. Remember that no matter how old you are, every time you see that person the first thing you will think of is “I had sex with you.”

Cool it on the porn and jerking off. We think porn is great and so is jerking off, but if we are going to have sex it may cause some problems. If you depend too heavily on the technical or visual then you may not notice the real flesh- and- blood person in your bed.

you don’t get an erection, we know it’s usually not because of us. We look concerned because we are wondering if it will keep happening.

The worst part of being nominated for any award is that despite your best efforts, you start to want the pudding. You spend weeks thinking about how it doesn’t matter and it’s all just an honor and then seconds before the name of the winner is announced everything inside you screams . . . “GIMME THAT PUDDING!!”

which shows you how much power distraction can hold. I ended up having a very fun night and coming to the realization that the less seriously I take these things, the better. I honestly don’t even remember who won that year. (Kristin Chenoweth.)

Nothing reminds you of what is important more than being face- to- face with children who lack basic love and care. My separation had given me a major case of the fuck- its. Ambivalence can be a powerful tool.

The thing about little babies is that you are always afraid they are going to die. At least in the beginning. You are constantly checking to make sure they didn’t die and you haven’t killed them.

Annie from Annie says, when she reminds us that tomorrow is only a day away. Sleep can completely change your entire outlook on life. One good night’s sleep can help you realize that you shouldn’t break up with someone, or you are being too hard on your friend, or you actually will win the race or the game or get the job.

It was sketch and improv 24/ 7. We had no one to take care of but ourselves.

I learned almost all the people in a working kitchen are having sex with each other. Except for the Bangladeshi busboys, who are supporting three kids back home and trying not to strangle the awful white teenagers complaining about their summer job.

I learned that I was getting way too good at a job that was not my life’s passion. I learned that I was the only one not doing cocaine.

One, my teeth were kind of jacked up, and that never bodes well in close- ups. Two, I don’t have symmetrical good looks

have ever gotten was due to someone knowing my work or seeing me in something else. I was in UCB and Andy Richter suggested I do stuff for Conan. Being on Conan helped me land a part in Deuce Bigalow. My UCB television show and friends helped me get an audition for SNL; my SNL connections resulted in Parks and Recreation.

Plenty of talented people don’t have the careers they want. Plenty of untalented people make millions and make movies. There is a difference between determination and talent. Hard work doesn’t always matter.

not want something can work. Really not caring if you get it takes a lifetime of practice.

am introducing a new idea. Try to care less. Practice ambivalence. Learn to let go of wanting it. Treat your career like a bad boyfriend.

Creativity is connected to your passion, that light inside you that drives you. That joy that comes when you do something you love. That small voice that tells you, “I like this. Do this again. You are good at it. Keep going.”

Career is different. Career is the stringing together of opportunities and jobs. Mix in public opinion and past regrets.

Career is the thing that will not fill you up and never make you truly whole. Depending on your career is like eating cake for breakfast and wondering why you start crying an hour later.

Either way, we both agreed that ambivalence is key to success.

You have to care about your work but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and how good you feel, but not about how good people think you are or how good people think you look.

You will never climb Career Mountain and get to the top and shout, “I made it!”

Most people I know struggle with that complicated soup of feeling slighted on one hand and like a total fraud on the other. Our ego is a monster that loves to sit at the head of the table, and I have learned that my ego is just as rude and loud and hungry as everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter how much you get; you are left wanting more. Success is filled with MSG.

It will reward you every time you don’t act needy. It will chase you if you act like other things (passion, friendship, family, longevity) are more important to you.

around with me. I have been called a bitch and a lesbian when I rejected a guy in college. I have locked eyes with various subway masturbators. I have been mugged but not raped, pushed and spit on by someone I knew, and forced to pull over in a road- rage incident where a man stuck his head into my car and told me he was going to “cum in my face.” And I count myself very lucky. That is what “very lucky” feels like. Oof.

What kind of country this is? Probably iys going to increase in the coming years

It can make it hard not to be on high alert for people using power to manipulate you.

It was hard to feel like somebody didn’t like me. It felt like such a failure. I don’t care as much now.

“Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death”?

We would shoot eight or nine pages in a twelve- hour day, which is about double what one shoots on a feature film. There were very few makeup touch- ups or lighting adjustments.

Because remember, the talking about the thing isn’t the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.

The whole time Mike kept reminding me to keep my head down and control the only thing I could, which was the work. Somehow we survived.

We were upset, because as we know, no matter how much you think you don’t want the pudding, once people start telling you that you might get the pudding it makes you want that pudding bad. Instead of being upset,

But here’s what no one in the biz will tell you. When you’re the actor, you have little control.

It ain’t easy to get up in front of people and really go for it. Good actors make acting look easy, which means most people think they can do it. Most people can’t. I tell this story because I want to be honest about the biz.

But here’s what no one in the biz will tell you. Writing can be thankless. People treat writing like it’s some elegant act but it’s usually lonely and isolating.

They decide when the day is done and whether or not we “got it.” Sometimes they get to have sex with an actor or actress, or at least their assistant. Directing is the most powerful job on any set.

Directing is a headache. You have to think of everything all the time. It’s your fault if a stunt goes wrong.

The producer creates, orchestrates, and, most importantly, makes that paper. Being a producer means you have the most connections and you have done your time in the trenches.

Producing is exhausting. If you are any good you have many projects going on at once and they are each on the verge of falling apart.

We hold hands with our high school friends and swear to never lose touch, and then we do.

Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well- being.

Time moves too slow or too fast. But I know a secret. You can control time. You can stop it or stretch it or loop it around. You can travel back and forth by living in the moment and paying attention. Time can be your bitch if you just let go of the “next” and the “before.”

There is someone in your life right now who may end up being your enemy, your wife, or your boss. Lift up your head and you may notice.

That is the key to time travel. You can only move if you are actually in the moment. You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.